Photographs of blood and milk by Frederic Fontenoy
blasphemy running through my blood
Heart-of-Nature Spiritual Art Gallery by Carol J Uchytil
加山又造 月 1983
Kayama Matazo moon
So today Emi sat in the shower fully clothed crying, mourning her birth mother and I’m not even sure if she is conscious/ aware that her mother is dead now (well we have no information of her as she disappeared but she would be a medical marvel if she was not). And I’m fucking lonely dealing with this. I mean i genuinely am sorry that to adopt you we had to fly you to the other side of the world where you were made to cohere and harmonise with a completely foreign and suppressive culture and I’m glad you can mourn the woman who mothered/ abandoned you sporadically for the first 7 years of your life but it’s really fucking hard to see the hatred, for what has happened to you/ for this life, occasionally glaze over your eyes. I mean shit, you would have been kicked out of the orphanage at 8 and left to die. So I’m happy you are here and that we could help because I genuinely do love you now but I’m also full of sorrow that you have to be here and you have so much pressure on you to love me back and adopt this culture.
And I want to use it as an excuse to say I don’t have to deal with school at the moment but it’s not an excuse for that. And I want a certain person to know this about me because I’m so bad at communicating who I am to him. And I wanted there to be someone to explore and befriend the depths of my being that is rare and isolated and beautiful. But alas, this experience is not for him or for school, it is purely and entirely for Emi and myself.